Resume the Gloom

For the uninitiated, this post's subject is a reference to the Lions' marketing slogan "Restore the Roar". The first time I heard "Resume the Gloom" was nineteen years ago, by a girl named Buffy, who's father had been a lifelong season-ticket holder. The point of this is to remind everyone that the Lions only cause suffering. The more you invest, the more you will lose.

As training camp opens today, hope, believe it or not, exists in Detroit. Truly, it makes no sense. Before I delve into the facts and stats of the 2008 season, let's look at what's happened in the interim:

• Snubbing assistance from NFL commish Roger Goodell, William Clay Ford hired Matt Millen's assistant, Martin Mayhew, as the new Lions GM. Evidently, Ford saw something special in the Millen protege, as he helped lead the team to an 0-16 season.
• Despite the worst defense in the league, the Lions spent their two first round picks on offensive players (one of which is a tight end).
• They retained oft-injured Daunte Culpper (passer rating: 64), while letting Orlovsky (73)walk.
• While the Lions had the 32nd ranked defense (out of 32), they hired the defensive coordinator of the team with the 31st ranked defense.
• They changed their logo from a Lion to a Lion.

At this point, I would normally present a counter-argument of decent offseason Lion acquisitions, but, after so many years of futility, they don't deserve it.

Now, before you buy those Lion season tickets, please remind yourself of these irrefutable facts and figures from 2008. The defense allowed:

6.4 yards/play (6.4!)
350 first downs (120 more than the Lions own offense)
25 passing TDs versus only 4 Lion interceptions
31 rushing TDs
... and all this led to the first ever winless NFL season.

Folks, this is the worst NFL team of all time. The worst franchise in all of sports. They do not deserve your support. Do not feel like you're being a fair-weather fan by abandoning them. Thatballdontlie gives you a full pardon. After decades of vomit-inducing letdowns, the Lions get no free pass. They need to prove it on the field. Until that day arrives, spend your Sunday afternoons apple picking.